In the Shadow of a Doomed Heart

Since this week seemed to be a sad week mode, I will add another emotional composition from a very good friend of mine. This was written in 2006.

I am still locked in this chain of depression. I have been waking up everyday with so much to worry of. I am weak for days trying to overcome this intense feeling of agony, of anger, of hope, of love… I thought after crying a pail of tears I could forget the pain and continue living as if nothing happened. I was wrong… All these days, I have been living in the shadow of pretensions I cast not wanting anybody to know that deep inside I am frail and fragile. That I am broke. I struggled to conceal this feeling, suppress them, and taught myself to be strong but I am still defeated with what I really feel. The past is drowning me to a river of pain and I am catching my breath to live. My heart is bleeding. The wound is deep and it’s killing me. How can this heart be mended? Tell me coz I hate what I feel!

Every dawn, I wake in misery. I slept with difficulty. My body and soul has not found
peace for so long. I often feel my heart crushed. Burnt. My mind is filled with so many flashes of the past. I saw him. Happy moments… Then sad ones… I thought after all the sacrifices I made he would realize and see that all I did was for the best of both of us, yet he did not. Instead, I was thrown away like a paper crushed by hand. I felt a cut in my heart and its bleeding. I came to think, “Where have I gone wrong?”

I want him to be happy. I had always prayed for his happiness. And now that he found it, I don’t understand why I still feel this way. It caused me so much pain. So much… I don’t know how would I bring back the color that love has once shared. All I see is the dullness of this heart. This pain had took away my life and my love.

My soul is wandering in oblivion. For long, I have searched for it but still could not find it. My heart was unguarded from the thorns that love has bore. My innocent heart had faced turbulence because of this insolent love I felt.

To see his face I cannot dare. To look in his eyes I cannot bare. My heart is throbbing and I do not know when this ends. To be numb is what I desire so I will no longer suffer in this foolish love that pierced my heart. Let alone time heal the wounds it caused. For in time, I will take back my heart and tell her how to love again. Please tell me, soonest…