I am a... LOSER

For the past days that I have been given time to breathe, I felt that the time stopped and found myself talking not to anybody, but... with me. The small time of separation from work had enabled me to sink my soul in reality. It gave me reflections and realizations in my life. Sometimes I think it is better to occupy my mind with my work so that I'll forget about my life and its reality. Have you able to talk to yourself? Communicating with ourselves will let us see how well we have been doing in our lives and how much have we contributed to our growth as a person, be it a daughter, an employee, a friend, a colleague, etc. And it sometimes pains us, after self-evaluating, we realized we haven't grown at all. How we wish we can escape from this moment, but we can't. And this is what happened to me. Should I be thankful that I have been given this time? I do not know yet because in these times, I always feel weak. I always fear what life has to bring me, yet I wanted to believe that I am strong to face what my life would be in the near future. Should I do these? or those? So much to worry of, so much to consider.

I reevaluate myself. And it all boiled down to one... afraid to fly. Why? because I am afraid that I will fall. I realized that I rather stay in land to be safe. I realized that I'd rather be in my nest than to explore the sky. That I rather continue living a life than to make a life. Afraid that if I do not succeed, I cannot live in the expectations of the many. Afraid that in what I do, I will fail.

These realizations grew more intense after reading Paolo Coehlo's Zahir. I have never been too engrossed and attached reading a pocketbook, yet his caught my heart. I shed teardrops reading this book because it taught me the importance of the people around me, the significant others, careers, finding one's self, knowledge, wisdom, risks, etc. I found my heart weeping for the time I spent useless and idle. And all these times, I thought I have gained my respect for myself but I haven't. All were just beliefs. Then I concluded... I have been a loser...