The Gift I Have

A friend once gave me one variety of a tree some 5 years ago (or maybe 7, I forgot). It was still a plant when it was given. I remembered I was still in my college years those times. It was something I never gave much attention to or taken cared much as I was an ideal but typical student, concerned of getting a higher mark to maintain my academic privilege. Years gone by and I hardly noticed that the plant turned into a tree and was growing healthier and bigger, even without me taking care of it. Nature really has its way of everything. I was amazed. Soon I tried nursing it by my own hands. It did grew well.

This tree is an inspiration. It gives me joy. Everyday I look forward to seeing it, wanting to see that it is healthy and fine. The anticipation is a vitamin that energizes me. That beyond these anxieties and troubles I have, I still have this wonderful gift making me feel I have conquered my fears and the world.

Nature has its give and take cycles, I know. Yet, this, the gift that was given to me even if cannot speak the language I am speaking, just the presence of it is a joy for me. They have said I must give back to Nature the nursing so I can take care of other things too because Nature brings back everything to dust. And they knew that this will bring me to grief. And yes, I am trying to let go of the nursing; bringing it back to Nature slowly.

I know that soon I can finally let Nature take care of it in full. The tree will have to meet day and night but all in accordance to Nature. It will grow bigger and sturdy but it will also have to return to the earth's crust. It may not be soon. But the Acacia Tree will, eventually.

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Feel Good, Look Good

I just had a conversation with a good friend this afternoon. A friend of hers told her that she is growing prettier recently. 'Maybe you just feel good and that reflects the aura', I told her. She laughed and approved after I reminded her that the previous environment she has was toxic.

Aside from the piles of work she had in the past, she became unhappy toward the management, toward the BOSS. Her workmates were great. She had no problems with them. But they are not enough to console everything. She hadn't realized she was growing old, unconsciously stressed out with the duties and the management. She later realized, left and found a new place.

Now, everytime I look at her I see a bright personality. She may have great responsibilities at work but she greatly works with her boss and she loves what she's doing. She looks good because she feels good in everything.

The people around us affect how we think and feel because we are constantly moving with them. Fortunately, this friend of mine has found her place and she's unceasingly thriving for fulfillment and self-worth.

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One More Chance

'Just give me one more chance...' I was singing a few lines from Madonna's when flashes of events came before me that made me stopped.

Another chance for me to live a life that is valuable. That I need to take all the time and effort to make it worthwhile. I need to get back to the mainstream. I need to be fed, information and experience wise. I need to make use of everything to get me started and moving.

I hope this Chance won't slip in my hands. Another time means another play.

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Aitakute, Tomodachi

'Aitakute', I wanted to tell you all this because I miss our laughter and long talks over coffee. I miss our company, our friendship.

To Wiseman who has indirectly taught me life's philosophy, take care and stay healthy.

To the Disciple of Paulo Coehlo who introduced him to me and for life's inspirations it gave me, my coffee partner, press on.

To Mommy who has showed me the courageous path of living and the joy of it, be Joy-ous still.

To Arm-man who is I know a very loving and patient man, stay the same.

To Madam Butterfly for leading me to what is real, keep safe.

To the people who have played roles in molding my working and social relations, you helped me be Me.

For everything we have been and for anything we may have, I (will) cherish them all.

I miss you all!

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Lucky

There are certain moments in our lives that we think we are but ordinary people living in an ordinary world. When in these times, we think that everyday is just plain but a continuous cycle of survival. We failed to see life's beauty, preoccupied on how to achieve the peak of success and fulfill self-worth. Yet, when we are in the brink of a circumstance when we almost to fail or vanish, the past flashes back and we are brought to realize life's significance. We ponder on and began cherishing little things, little ways. We then realize that all these times, we have been protected by great Hands.

I wrote this journal to tell myself that I am fortunate to have the Father with me. That when I thought I lost my worth, I was proven worthy. That when I thought I will be empty, I was filled.

Like any ordinary humans, I am imperfect. Yet, the heavens continue to bless me in little ways. And I am incessantly grateful.
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Starting Anew

Just to give a little update of my life (coz I’ve been sleeping for a few days now), I have started to create a new, well very different, day schedule. I finally able to unlock the chain I myself did for a long time. I have started to move on, although it was harder to welcome a new life than to leave the past behind. But everybody must let there lives be shone by new light even if that means shedding of our shields and feel and experience what new life has to bring us. Just as I said saying hello is harder than saying goodbye.

Taking new chances mean redressing the past and starting anew. I have grown with goodbyes, I thought so. Maybe because for quite some time I have taught myself that nothing remains the same forever. We have to grow and we have to change. That is why we cast off security for a room of love and growth. And even this new life is far different from what I have lived, I think I would love it. I’m gonna love it.

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The Reciprocal of Love is Death

Valentine’s Day is just three days to go. This means another year or months for lovers in love. I previously wrote blessed are those who celebrate it and miseries for none. I was referring to those who have no beaux to celebrate it at all. I was not expecting that there are also those who ended up loving before that day strikes. I apologize if I have overlooked such incident. It is a painful event when a person you truly love leaves you. And I grieve with you.

Someone told me that the reciprocal of love is not hate, it’s the absence of it. Then an incident came. The word DEATH strikes me. Could the reciprocal of love replace Nothing with Death?

I read a line from someone intimate of someone intimate to me. Was that understood? Well, I leave that vagueness. The tone implies ‘I can live without you but that would be a life full of miseries’. Then came a time that the person she loves left her in abrupt. She cannot take it. Dying, she thought, was the best way to escape life. I thought she would live in miseries but why escape that life through death? When all we could think death is the best way to free us from miseries, that would be a wrong notion. Worst when we commit suicide and yet we failed to achieve the sting of death. It worsens your being. It worsens the view of people around you. Good if you are able to cope up with the trial and renew yourself once more.

Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (Love) is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

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I Fear Hello

I have learned that saying goodbye is easier than saying hello.

We are afraid to fly. We are afraid to commit. We wanted to leave the darkness but the light in the open will penetrate the eyes and blind them; so we decided to close them once again.

We wanted to get out of the cave but the moment we step closer toward the beautiful but unfamiliar world, we stop and prefer to have both feet standing still.

We wanted to grow. We wanted to change. But when change came and opportunity opened its doors, we often hoped that they have not come at all; so we don’t have to welcome them.

Some people, after deciding to leave a part of them behind, regret after saying goodbye. They wished they had stayed behind than to face a new world before them.

Why do we prefer to stay on the ground than to climb a fewer steps? Why do we lose strength building something new when we have struggled to get out of the old and live anew?

Fear is what overshadows us. Fear that we might not cope with the changes. Fear that we might not live well. Fear that we might fail. Fear that we have not made changes at all. That living a new life, of starting anew, is another struggle more difficult than turning our back to the things and people we left, to the old ones we once were.

Because we know that staying on the ground is far safer than climbing with no harness at all.

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Nightmares for Daljas

With the world revolving, another month awaits the living. It's February again and soon the air will be filled with love. Fortunate are those who can celebrate that day with their special someone. Blissful are they. Miseries for those who have none? Nah that’s too harsh…

After reminding my sisters that next month is a love fever, the house was filled with laughter. It would be a nightmare, my younger sister said. Another emptiness, for the society celebrates it even if it is not officially declared. The Daljas would end up staring at the window again waiting for no one to hand them flowers or even greetings. Although we don’t regard it as something significant. It’s no big deal. Really. Some are just used to those times because they are just like any ordinary days they had. Like no other days are special, except of course on birthdays which they specially celebrate plus the Christmas and New Year with the whole family. Yet, I believe that there is still a longing of the heart to seek for its half. I admit.

Some people regard the hearts day as special while others just plainly consider it ordinary. Me? I am caught up in the middle. I told a friend I better receive no invitation than be invited with someone I don’t like. Seems like I will be filled with goosebumps that time. So it is better to be alone during that day than to be with someone I don’t want to be with. That’s better than sticking my ass with that someone. It will be a misery. I am not harsh. That’s just how I feel. *grin

Alone or not during hearts day, it doesn’t matter at all. (just pretending to be ok hahaha)

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A Stifled Heart

I wanted to cry a pail of tears but a river of it is better. My feet cannot step sideways. It was stuck between these constricted parallel lines. It did not give me the chance to choose, for nothing is fit for a stay. My stifled heart is striving for a little air. It's screaming, "When will I be finally free?"

Thanks to Konayuki (powdered snow). It served as the soothing element of that gloomy heart. I do not know what the song meant, at all. (I was an absentee of Nihongo class) Although the lyrics was a total stranger the music unknowingly relieved the tension that crept me. The melody filled my heart and it slowly brought back its calmness. Thank heavens I was up again. This wretched emotions might crash others' if it decides to stay. Soon, the smile appeared and everything was in place. (although I know that it was volatile)

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Humility At Its Best

Never had I thought of a conversation with humility, like that. It was a relief too, knowing that after what happened, a person as such could humbly talked to me and settled what should be settled. It was not something to change what I had decided for I will definitely not. It was a conversation of settling differences, alone. There's no love at all, no hatred too, just a plain intention of moving forward.

One person said that I am becoming good now that I have to leave imprints on them. I say, I am not. I am still the same. Imperfect. But I have to admit that a little kindness filled me nowadays. Maybe it's because I am moving toward the right direction and it is just proper to leave people who became part of your life with good impression and memories too. It's better to leave that way than to carry burden as I go on and bad relationships behind.

I know I have my shortcomings. Imperfect like I said. But I am also sensitive and sensible to the people around me. I may not be as good as others but at least I have started to know I made my mistakes and redress them. I have learned on this journey. That what matters most.

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What's Wrong With These Eyes?

The sun's rays are blinding my unsheathed eyes as I open the windows. They were immersed from the artificial light the whole time, barely blinking from the stressful rays of the CRT. I cannot peer through the window to look over my dog which constantly barks for the reason I do not know.

I kept myself busy. I did the chores as early as five in the morning to keep me tired so I can finally take a rest after. To no avail, I am still sitting infront of this PC. Trying hard to strain my eyes so I will be forced to sleep. Still, I can't.

When will I be able to take even a nap to restore my energy. The black circles around my eyes are getting wider. I might be mistaken as one of the casts of the Dawn of the Dead. Damn! Tomorrow's a Monday and I must be in a healthy look. Maybe I just need a time to lay on bed and practice closing my eyes. I might fall asleep. Anyway, my sister's already up so she can look after the house now. Gotta do some napping session. I hope I can. ;)

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The Tradition of the Sun Appeared

I should have written this post immediately after its revelation. The Tradition of the Sun appeared before me that night. I was actually expecting for it to happen but I never thought it would really take form in reality. I was happy then.

Yet, it was a night far to remember. It was just like any ordinary nights I had, unfortunately. Except that the face once again appeared before me for so long time. I thought that it would bring me something new or change a little of my destiny. It did not. The Tradition of the Sun did not bring me joy. The image just sat there. It was silent the whole night. I thought it would fulfill what was written in its book of journey. For long, I have waited for the words to put me into trance but it never spoken, not even a word. The I should, I must, and I will were silent. They seemed to be washed away or was blown away with the storm. It was not my fate, perhaps. You meet your Soulmate but it doesn't mean you end up together.

Sad. But I must continue living and forget about the Tradition. If I will grip, I will still lose my hand in the end for it will stress my arms in it, my heart most especially.

What if it will return? I will face it if and only if it will reveal itself fully and fulfill what it has to do. Then I will reach my arms and embrace it fully. Even if it will mean, pain after a loss in the end. Yet as they say, where there is love there is pain, and where there is pain there is love. Then I must not stop hoping.

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The Other

I stayed on bed for an hour trying to shut my body from that unplanned night. I failed. I stood up and finished reading the book I recently bought. I still can't sleep. What's wrong with me. Oops, I must have overslept that afternoon I remembered. I would love to believe that everything was just fine. It was actually, but my brain oftentimes wanted to speak to me. My heart isn't just ready for the confrontation. So now I know why. My body can't rest because these two are battling over me.

I observed the woman I had been up until then: weak but trying to give the impression of strength. Fearful of everything but telling herself it wasn't fear - it was the wisdom of someone who knew what reality was. Putting up shutters in front of windows to keep the joy of the sun from entering - just so the sun's rays wouldn't fade my old furniture.

The gods throw the dice, and they don't ask whether we want to be in the game or not. They don't care if when you go, you leave behind a lover, a home, a career, or a dream. The gods don't care whether you have it all, whether it seems that your every desire can be met through hard work and persistence. The gods don't want to know about your plans and your hopes. Somewhere they're throwing the dice - and you are chosen. From then on, winning or losing is only a question of luck.

'I am just like everyone else who listens to their heart: a person who is enchanted by the mystery of life. Who is open to miracles, who experiences joy and enthusiasm for what they do. It's just that the Other, afraid of disappointment, kept me from taking action... But there is suffering... And there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggle for your dreams than to be defeated without ever even knowing what you're fighting for.'

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Love is Like a Dam

I do not have a childhood sweetheart unlike Pilar but I do have someone my heart longed like that of hers. I kept wanting him, although and even though there's a wall I built to keep my heart separated. It may stumble anytime depending on how sturdy I was building it, yet afraid that it will in reality. I was Pilar in this case too. 'Love is much like a dam: if you allow a tiny crack to form through which only a trickle of water can pass, that trickle will quickly bring down the whole structure, and soon no one will be able to control the force of the current.' I believe that I know my limits; that I can control myself; that I know how much suffering I could bear. But if that wall stumbles out of unexpected factors, love, so powerful, takes over. 'To love is to lose control'

If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him... Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

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I Must Tell You This

These past few nights, I have not seen the moon. It seemed to be hiding behind those dark clouds. Only the stars are visible at nights, oftentimes, not. Last night, I gazed at the sky and only saw the stars. They are countable unlike the other nights when I was still able to see different forms and figures. After I doze a little, I was awakened by the heavy downpour on the roof. And I knew nothing twinkled and shone anymore that night.

But one thing I forgot to tell you. I saw again the same moon that captured me. I just forgot when that night was specifically. I was surprised the feeling once again took over me. I was glad I was able to see him again full figured covered with light.

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That Word Helped

Rage swallowed me this noon. Thankful I am I was able to control my temper. That was after I uttered the F word surprisingly. It was something that I am not capable of saying especially that I was consciously (well partly) present with all other persons I am dealing with. But hey, it surprisingly worked. I felt a lot better. Sharing with friends helped me subside that rage too.

Idiot people better not speak their nonconstructive minds. Silence is better. Sensibility is a whole lot better.

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Rage Overpowering

I don’t want anger to overpower my being. It is unhealthy. I am trying hard to stay calm despite what you have done to me. Please… I don’t want to leave a stained relationship. I want everything to be in place. But here you are again, trying to dig it all up. I am distressed. It could have been better if you have not talked to me. It was a useless and pointless conversation. I could have healed instantly. I could have forgotten everything. But today, you were such a coward, a toy, an indecisive being! Fool! You should have not ruined this day for nothing!

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I Filed a Divorce

It was a decision difficult to make. Actually, right now I really don't know at all. I was as sturdy as narra but now, a little fear shone on me. (i'll get over it soonest) Leaving a long-time partner is a paralysis somehow. My world revolved around him for so long. It gave me a little of comfort and security. But they were not enough to let me feel loved. Now, only hope I can rely on. Hoping that somewhere, somehow, sometime, a good partner will finally see my worth, take care and love me the way I wanted.

But there is no time to waste for every tick of second's hand is significant as life itself. I must be free from his powers, from his oppression, from his coldness, from his silence. And today is the fulfillment of the partial freedom I was asking. It was a courageous decision over a difficult situation.

Love is something that is shared two-way. It is never one-sided. I am tired. I must remove this chain in my heart. It is not breathing... It is not growing... It is not loving... at all. I hate to leave you, especially the people that I also came to love. Yet I will. I must. I should.


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Like the Throne, Hate the Thorns

For a few days, I was able to breathe a little air and escape the polluting environment I was moving. It was a relief I say. Although I had spent mind exhausting activities those times, I still find it better than moving with the people I mostly had contact with. I was even hoping I could spend the whole month or the next month or the succeeding months free of worries and free from the constant unruly doubts thrown at people. Here I am, sitting again on this throne acting like I like everything. Don't get me wrong, literally I love my throne. It's the thorns that associate with it that I do not like. Whew! Well, all I could do is just wait for that moment when all else will be freed.

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