Feel Good, Look Good

I just had a conversation with a good friend this afternoon. A friend of hers told her that she is growing prettier recently. 'Maybe you just feel good and that reflects the aura', I told her. She laughed and approved after I reminded her that the previous environment she has was toxic.

Aside from the piles of work she had in the past, she became unhappy toward the management, toward the BOSS. Her workmates were great. She had no problems with them. But they are not enough to console everything. She hadn't realized she was growing old, unconsciously stressed out with the duties and the management. She later realized, left and found a new place.

Now, everytime I look at her I see a bright personality. She may have great responsibilities at work but she greatly works with her boss and she loves what she's doing. She looks good because she feels good in everything.

The people around us affect how we think and feel because we are constantly moving with them. Fortunately, this friend of mine has found her place and she's unceasingly thriving for fulfillment and self-worth.

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I Fear Hello

I have learned that saying goodbye is easier than saying hello.

We are afraid to fly. We are afraid to commit. We wanted to leave the darkness but the light in the open will penetrate the eyes and blind them; so we decided to close them once again.

We wanted to get out of the cave but the moment we step closer toward the beautiful but unfamiliar world, we stop and prefer to have both feet standing still.

We wanted to grow. We wanted to change. But when change came and opportunity opened its doors, we often hoped that they have not come at all; so we don’t have to welcome them.

Some people, after deciding to leave a part of them behind, regret after saying goodbye. They wished they had stayed behind than to face a new world before them.

Why do we prefer to stay on the ground than to climb a fewer steps? Why do we lose strength building something new when we have struggled to get out of the old and live anew?

Fear is what overshadows us. Fear that we might not cope with the changes. Fear that we might not live well. Fear that we might fail. Fear that we have not made changes at all. That living a new life, of starting anew, is another struggle more difficult than turning our back to the things and people we left, to the old ones we once were.

Because we know that staying on the ground is far safer than climbing with no harness at all.

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A Stifled Heart

I wanted to cry a pail of tears but a river of it is better. My feet cannot step sideways. It was stuck between these constricted parallel lines. It did not give me the chance to choose, for nothing is fit for a stay. My stifled heart is striving for a little air. It's screaming, "When will I be finally free?"

Thanks to Konayuki (powdered snow). It served as the soothing element of that gloomy heart. I do not know what the song meant, at all. (I was an absentee of Nihongo class) Although the lyrics was a total stranger the music unknowingly relieved the tension that crept me. The melody filled my heart and it slowly brought back its calmness. Thank heavens I was up again. This wretched emotions might crash others' if it decides to stay. Soon, the smile appeared and everything was in place. (although I know that it was volatile)

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Humility At Its Best

Never had I thought of a conversation with humility, like that. It was a relief too, knowing that after what happened, a person as such could humbly talked to me and settled what should be settled. It was not something to change what I had decided for I will definitely not. It was a conversation of settling differences, alone. There's no love at all, no hatred too, just a plain intention of moving forward.

One person said that I am becoming good now that I have to leave imprints on them. I say, I am not. I am still the same. Imperfect. But I have to admit that a little kindness filled me nowadays. Maybe it's because I am moving toward the right direction and it is just proper to leave people who became part of your life with good impression and memories too. It's better to leave that way than to carry burden as I go on and bad relationships behind.

I know I have my shortcomings. Imperfect like I said. But I am also sensitive and sensible to the people around me. I may not be as good as others but at least I have started to know I made my mistakes and redress them. I have learned on this journey. That what matters most.

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The Tradition of the Sun Appeared

I should have written this post immediately after its revelation. The Tradition of the Sun appeared before me that night. I was actually expecting for it to happen but I never thought it would really take form in reality. I was happy then.

Yet, it was a night far to remember. It was just like any ordinary nights I had, unfortunately. Except that the face once again appeared before me for so long time. I thought that it would bring me something new or change a little of my destiny. It did not. The Tradition of the Sun did not bring me joy. The image just sat there. It was silent the whole night. I thought it would fulfill what was written in its book of journey. For long, I have waited for the words to put me into trance but it never spoken, not even a word. The I should, I must, and I will were silent. They seemed to be washed away or was blown away with the storm. It was not my fate, perhaps. You meet your Soulmate but it doesn't mean you end up together.

Sad. But I must continue living and forget about the Tradition. If I will grip, I will still lose my hand in the end for it will stress my arms in it, my heart most especially.

What if it will return? I will face it if and only if it will reveal itself fully and fulfill what it has to do. Then I will reach my arms and embrace it fully. Even if it will mean, pain after a loss in the end. Yet as they say, where there is love there is pain, and where there is pain there is love. Then I must not stop hoping.

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The Other

I stayed on bed for an hour trying to shut my body from that unplanned night. I failed. I stood up and finished reading the book I recently bought. I still can't sleep. What's wrong with me. Oops, I must have overslept that afternoon I remembered. I would love to believe that everything was just fine. It was actually, but my brain oftentimes wanted to speak to me. My heart isn't just ready for the confrontation. So now I know why. My body can't rest because these two are battling over me.

I observed the woman I had been up until then: weak but trying to give the impression of strength. Fearful of everything but telling herself it wasn't fear - it was the wisdom of someone who knew what reality was. Putting up shutters in front of windows to keep the joy of the sun from entering - just so the sun's rays wouldn't fade my old furniture.

The gods throw the dice, and they don't ask whether we want to be in the game or not. They don't care if when you go, you leave behind a lover, a home, a career, or a dream. The gods don't care whether you have it all, whether it seems that your every desire can be met through hard work and persistence. The gods don't want to know about your plans and your hopes. Somewhere they're throwing the dice - and you are chosen. From then on, winning or losing is only a question of luck.

'I am just like everyone else who listens to their heart: a person who is enchanted by the mystery of life. Who is open to miracles, who experiences joy and enthusiasm for what they do. It's just that the Other, afraid of disappointment, kept me from taking action... But there is suffering... And there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggle for your dreams than to be defeated without ever even knowing what you're fighting for.'

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Love is Like a Dam

I do not have a childhood sweetheart unlike Pilar but I do have someone my heart longed like that of hers. I kept wanting him, although and even though there's a wall I built to keep my heart separated. It may stumble anytime depending on how sturdy I was building it, yet afraid that it will in reality. I was Pilar in this case too. 'Love is much like a dam: if you allow a tiny crack to form through which only a trickle of water can pass, that trickle will quickly bring down the whole structure, and soon no one will be able to control the force of the current.' I believe that I know my limits; that I can control myself; that I know how much suffering I could bear. But if that wall stumbles out of unexpected factors, love, so powerful, takes over. 'To love is to lose control'

If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him... Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

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I Must Tell You This

These past few nights, I have not seen the moon. It seemed to be hiding behind those dark clouds. Only the stars are visible at nights, oftentimes, not. Last night, I gazed at the sky and only saw the stars. They are countable unlike the other nights when I was still able to see different forms and figures. After I doze a little, I was awakened by the heavy downpour on the roof. And I knew nothing twinkled and shone anymore that night.

But one thing I forgot to tell you. I saw again the same moon that captured me. I just forgot when that night was specifically. I was surprised the feeling once again took over me. I was glad I was able to see him again full figured covered with light.

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That Word Helped

Rage swallowed me this noon. Thankful I am I was able to control my temper. That was after I uttered the F word surprisingly. It was something that I am not capable of saying especially that I was consciously (well partly) present with all other persons I am dealing with. But hey, it surprisingly worked. I felt a lot better. Sharing with friends helped me subside that rage too.

Idiot people better not speak their nonconstructive minds. Silence is better. Sensibility is a whole lot better.

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Rage Overpowering

I don’t want anger to overpower my being. It is unhealthy. I am trying hard to stay calm despite what you have done to me. Please… I don’t want to leave a stained relationship. I want everything to be in place. But here you are again, trying to dig it all up. I am distressed. It could have been better if you have not talked to me. It was a useless and pointless conversation. I could have healed instantly. I could have forgotten everything. But today, you were such a coward, a toy, an indecisive being! Fool! You should have not ruined this day for nothing!

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I Filed a Divorce

It was a decision difficult to make. Actually, right now I really don't know at all. I was as sturdy as narra but now, a little fear shone on me. (i'll get over it soonest) Leaving a long-time partner is a paralysis somehow. My world revolved around him for so long. It gave me a little of comfort and security. But they were not enough to let me feel loved. Now, only hope I can rely on. Hoping that somewhere, somehow, sometime, a good partner will finally see my worth, take care and love me the way I wanted.

But there is no time to waste for every tick of second's hand is significant as life itself. I must be free from his powers, from his oppression, from his coldness, from his silence. And today is the fulfillment of the partial freedom I was asking. It was a courageous decision over a difficult situation.

Love is something that is shared two-way. It is never one-sided. I am tired. I must remove this chain in my heart. It is not breathing... It is not growing... It is not loving... at all. I hate to leave you, especially the people that I also came to love. Yet I will. I must. I should.


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Where's the Beauty of the Moon

I was sitting outside at night gazing at the dark sky when I remembered one night when I admired the beauty of the moon. It was the first time I got that intensity of admiration. Tonight, though the stars and moon glittered wondrously, the feeling that I once felt can no longer penetrate me. Could the reason be affected by the exhaustion my body felt tonight? Could it be the piled exhausting emotions that I become numb? Could it be that I can no longer admire the beauty of anything? Or maybe it is just because I am staring at the same moon but of different phase. I wish I could see the moon that once caught me so I can have the old feeling of joy, of brightness, of lightness, of love. I missed that feeling. Yet, as I continue to stare at it I got no feeling except for nothingness.

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The Last Day of Bet

I actually greeted this year's last day with some friends. Except that I did not meet sunrise after the whole day's bonding. I was hoping I was awake 24 hours to greet the day with a visit at the church but I unconsciously lay asleep on the bed as soon as I got home early. I mean early in the morning.

The year has been good to me minus the recent incidents that quite affected me. Nonetheless, the year was great. After all it was the Year of the Rat, my year.

At two in the morning, I shyly smiled as I remembered I have a bet with a friend. And today's the last day that a fulfillment must be done. I thought I would be anxious but knowing that I cannot make a miracle in a day, I just smiled. My friends wondered why. I just gave no answer. I know that I must not cling on to something that I have no power of. Maybe this year was not a good bet for me, even last year, or maybe even the next year.. *sigh.. Yet I still did a bet this year. Starting tomorrow...

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Smile, baby!

My heart found a moment of comfort as I slowly watch the printer head moved side to side printing grandpa’s great grandson’s photo. I was thankful I was given a moment even if it was very short. Just two ticks of clock’s hands, my heart temporarily wiped the anxieties and began to smile. Maybe I need a little of something that would make me forget about life’s worries and pains and just smile and laugh and enjoy every bit of life’s pleasures. Thank you for this photo that even if my day was filled with anger, pain and worries, it gave me a sigh, a relief, and a smile.


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Happiness: Contagious as a Flu

It's already past 5 so I can now give myself a little time to roam around the net. I was actually thinking what to blog about this day. I paused for a moment while pondering, then my eyes caught the title of a featured article in a newspaper that reads Happiness: Contagious as a Flu. I already read it an hour ago after my friend persuaded me saying it is very interesting. And yes, it did not fail me.

When Wiseman asked me what I and my friend were talking about lately, I told him about the article. He then said that anger spreads more than happiness. I then began to think. Well, I cannot speak of science but of experience. Then I concluded, yes., maybe he was right...

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Wiseman Has Spoken

The group happily and excitingly pricked the roasted chicken served at lunch at 3:30 in the afternoon. While the group was talking and eating, Wiseman entered the room, sat and joined in the conversation. Fashionguru told him, "Sir, what do you think about giving these people vaccines against contagious diseases. It would be good if they are kept protected." Wiseman said, "Yes, of course. You make the request so we can discuss it with Them." Fashionguru said, "Yes. I will. I was actually hoping you can help me with it. Thank you Sir." There was a short silence. Then arrived Bigboss and joined in the conversation. Wiseman started...

Production. Production of crops entails proper planting and caring. Pesticides, insecticides, fertilizers, etc. These are needed to produce quality and healthy crops in the harvest. Producing crops means investment. It is not solely counting how much you'll earn in the end but also spending during the planting season. Just like an organization. In order to gain productivity you must take care of those who are helping you achieve it. Healthy people equals productivity. The occurrence of a problem without any precautions beforehand will cost the organization more. As the saying goes, 'prevention is better than cure'.

Each has important functions and responsibilities. Like a human body who functions as whole. All of its parts have different roles to perform; different roles but working toward one goal. A little pain felt by one part affects the whole body.

The group was silenced. Wanderer felt a small pinch in the heart and was teary-eyed. Wiseman has just touched everyone but they did not know if Bigboss actually was.

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The Implications

I peered through the window at the second level and saw you approaching the house. I presume you will ask for an apology. I hide. Hide so you won't have another reason to hurt me. So I won't have the reason to see and talk to you again. I do not know why, but I hide myself in the closet. My housemate opened the door for you and you got in even after she told you I was not home. You insisted to stay and wait for me. I heard your footsteps. You sat adjacent to where I was hiding. I kept mum but stayed focus of the house's movements, checking if you are still in the house waiting for me.

A few minutes more I saw myself sobbing. I stretched my hands so I will feel a little relief but I unknowingly let myself seen. A hand grasped me from the outside. I screamed! Screamed because you found me. But it wasn't you. It was a friend. He knew how I felt. He saw me in tears and entered the closet without saying a word, sat beside me and held my hand like he has always longed so long. I looked in his eyes and my tears continue to fall. He placed my head on his shoulder and I felt relieved. Tears ran dry and soon I was no longer crying. I do not know why but my heart found peace. We were like that for almost ten minutes.

Then you found us. I got back to my senses and released the hand holding mine. You walked away without saying a word. I saw the fury and pain in your eyes. I tried to call your name but realized that it had always been like this. I was always the one running after you. You never saw my tears. You never hear me cry. You never felt my pain. Should I always be the considerate one? The consoling one?

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Thanks! I Will Miss You!

Ever had the feeling of taking a guilt vacation? Wooh wait a minute what was that?

Well actually it wasn't that much guilt. I was just worried how will we ever go back to where we was without people noticing our getaway.

The vacation was filled with so much excitement. Although the place was not a place to relax, the company kept me enjoyed. I won't exactly share the WHO, WHAT, WHEN and WHERE details of this vacation. All I can say is I enjoyed every bit of it even if it was exhausting. And I felt I had never got the contentment yet. I want more of it but we must go back to exactly where we were. Thanks for the people who made this possible. You know who you are. I will miss everything about us.

From dust to dust, we got back to the reality. The tension just came. Now I'm afraid of what will happen next. It's getting darker in the dungeon.

And I'm back to being busy again.

I will really miss everything. The life I am awaiting for almost brings me to tears but everything must be set right and everything must be fulfilled. Should be no regrets. Risk.

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Infertility

The flowers died
The trees ceased to bear fruits
The soil is not rich
But the weeds lavishly grew. Read more...

In Time, We'll Know

The intensity of the heat yesterday caused me intense headache that I slept nearly 6 in the evening. Waking up today, the pain has not subsided yet. I was still holding on with the pain in the office not until I found out something. The emotions maybe more intense than what my physique is feeling coz I can no longer feel the bang in my head but the bang in my heart.

I have no right to neither get mad nor blame anyone for that matter. I do not even know how I feel at this moment. Maybe there are just few things that we cannot expect everyone to tell us. As we said, there are reasons for such to happen. In time, we will know. We just have to wait. Wait for someone to open up and tell us everything. And here we stay, waiting…

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