Change

Have I only got the courage to fly, I would have done it three years ago. All those times I have prayed that a little courage be showered upon me so I can change my life the way I wanted it to be, be it in career, family or love. A confidant once said I must be writing something to release my negativity. He knows well I cannot speak of my emotions vocally. So here I am writing again like I was three years back my life.

Where should I start my piece? I really do not know. All I know is that my heart is on fire. Not because of excitement but because of pain, fear, anxieties, and any emotional distress that swallow me.

I have always been a coward. Afraid that I would end up making the wrong decision; afraid that in the end I will fall; afraid that in the end I will get hurt. Sometimes I wished I was just like anybody else, ordinary, living worry-free. But I am not. Every decision is thought a million times. Every move is a planned event. One false move and I will fail. I do not want that to happen.

Sometimes I think that escaping from these problems and fears would deliberate me from life's agonies. Even just a short escape from reality would be fine. Yet I have not succeeded. One will always go back to its reality. And that pains me more knowing that I cannot escape the life I have. I must live with it and that’s a major challenge for me.

For just a short span of time, I thought I would find my self and my heart's home, yet I haven't. I have escaped a little and forgot the things that pain and worry me but reality again succumbs me to return to where I should be living. I realized that I cannot and will not escape them; my work, my family and... my heart.

(To be continued…)