Beauty Madness or Maddens?

The context of beauty is too broad. Although the jargon is frequently used, it somehow emptied my brain with its definition. Many define the term on their own but what is beauty by the way?

My inquisitiveness pushed me to my constant aid when it comes to information searching, the Internet. As usual, it did not fail me. But the definitions were a little tough to comprehend. It fed my brain but it was not satisfying. Maybe I make my own definition. Tougher. (*sigh) The broad and different meanings I just squeezed together. Brilliant, ornamental, attractive, excellent quality, are what mostly defining it; beauty is the quality that exalts the mind or spirit; the quality of an attribute that is pleasing to the senses or the mind. Something that is pleasing I guess would define it well. Well that narrowed to the obsolete but famous quote, “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder”. It is subjective, resonating from personal perceptions.

Something came into my senses and I began to ask. Why do people hold on to beauty while others destroy it? I then remembered my favorite author. The one that we kept on holding is the one that we want to destroy. But well, we won’t be dealing with that. Let us just stay shallow on bodily beauty. This will be easier, I think.

When does beauty become madness? A madden? It depends on the intensity of the admiration and emotions we set off.

Eyes tell brain that what they see and discover is something interesting and captivating. Then brains tell hearts that they desire it.

So when does it become madness? It becomes one when admiration is at its best. The eyes cannot take its vision away from the object. The heart becomes childish wanting to own the beauty the eyes have seen.

It is madness when the heart is playful with what it felt. A folly heart is a heart engrossed with emotions that it tends to do anything to make it happy. To experience bliss. The state stays there for as long as it decides to be that way. For as long as it is healthy. But when it deviates, it becomes a madden.

There is beauty madden when we want to destroy beauty. A selfish heart won’t let anybody admire it but itself alone. We usually associate this feeling on fanatics who believed that it is better to see their idols die than compete for attention with other fans. So they kill what they admire and desire the most. Likewise with lovers filled with envy.

There is also beauty madden when we cannot let other beauty overpower ours. We always search for the person’s negativity just to believe that behind that beauty is an ugly face. So we would believe that nobody is more beautiful than us. We wanted to believe that we are the fairest of all beings. Like that of the wicked stepmother of Snowhite who rummaged the forest to kill the latter.

‘Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder’. For whatever reasons we say that one thing, one person, one memory, one instance, is beautiful or not, we are the sole critic. As I say, beauty is seen subjective. Be it a madness or a madden, what matters is that we control the intensity of the emotions we exude. The brain is still the highest deciding power who controls us. For as long as it stays a madness, admiring one’s beauty is in its healthy stage. The pain of losing somebody or something must not overpower one’s being, or else it will become a madden.

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A Stifled Heart

I wanted to cry a pail of tears but a river of it is better. My feet cannot step sideways. It was stuck between these constricted parallel lines. It did not give me the chance to choose, for nothing is fit for a stay. My stifled heart is striving for a little air. It's screaming, "When will I be finally free?"

Thanks to Konayuki (powdered snow). It served as the soothing element of that gloomy heart. I do not know what the song meant, at all. (I was an absentee of Nihongo class) Although the lyrics was a total stranger the music unknowingly relieved the tension that crept me. The melody filled my heart and it slowly brought back its calmness. Thank heavens I was up again. This wretched emotions might crash others' if it decides to stay. Soon, the smile appeared and everything was in place. (although I know that it was volatile)

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Rent-a-Van

Planning to take vacation in Davao City but no transport vehicle to tour the city? Worry not as we are offering transport vehicles to make your escapade convenient and worthwhile. We offer vans and cars for rentals.

City tour will cost P3000 all-in with tour on Eden Nature Park or Phil Eagle, Japanese Tunnel, Crocodile Park, Japanese Museum, Davao Museum, Jack's Ridge, and Aldevinco Shopping Center. Additional rate for itineraries outside city vicinity.

For Camp Sabros, P2800 for one-way and P4500 for roundtrip.

For other travel destination near the city, please send me email.

For pricing details and reservations, you may contact me at (082) 234-0521 or 0922-7272525. You may also email dvo.tours@yahoo.com with a subject BEB for your itineraries.

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Humility At Its Best

Never had I thought of a conversation with humility, like that. It was a relief too, knowing that after what happened, a person as such could humbly talked to me and settled what should be settled. It was not something to change what I had decided for I will definitely not. It was a conversation of settling differences, alone. There's no love at all, no hatred too, just a plain intention of moving forward.

One person said that I am becoming good now that I have to leave imprints on them. I say, I am not. I am still the same. Imperfect. But I have to admit that a little kindness filled me nowadays. Maybe it's because I am moving toward the right direction and it is just proper to leave people who became part of your life with good impression and memories too. It's better to leave that way than to carry burden as I go on and bad relationships behind.

I know I have my shortcomings. Imperfect like I said. But I am also sensitive and sensible to the people around me. I may not be as good as others but at least I have started to know I made my mistakes and redress them. I have learned on this journey. That what matters most.

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What's Wrong With These Eyes?

The sun's rays are blinding my unsheathed eyes as I open the windows. They were immersed from the artificial light the whole time, barely blinking from the stressful rays of the CRT. I cannot peer through the window to look over my dog which constantly barks for the reason I do not know.

I kept myself busy. I did the chores as early as five in the morning to keep me tired so I can finally take a rest after. To no avail, I am still sitting infront of this PC. Trying hard to strain my eyes so I will be forced to sleep. Still, I can't.

When will I be able to take even a nap to restore my energy. The black circles around my eyes are getting wider. I might be mistaken as one of the casts of the Dawn of the Dead. Damn! Tomorrow's a Monday and I must be in a healthy look. Maybe I just need a time to lay on bed and practice closing my eyes. I might fall asleep. Anyway, my sister's already up so she can look after the house now. Gotta do some napping session. I hope I can. ;)

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The Tradition of the Sun Appeared

I should have written this post immediately after its revelation. The Tradition of the Sun appeared before me that night. I was actually expecting for it to happen but I never thought it would really take form in reality. I was happy then.

Yet, it was a night far to remember. It was just like any ordinary nights I had, unfortunately. Except that the face once again appeared before me for so long time. I thought that it would bring me something new or change a little of my destiny. It did not. The Tradition of the Sun did not bring me joy. The image just sat there. It was silent the whole night. I thought it would fulfill what was written in its book of journey. For long, I have waited for the words to put me into trance but it never spoken, not even a word. The I should, I must, and I will were silent. They seemed to be washed away or was blown away with the storm. It was not my fate, perhaps. You meet your Soulmate but it doesn't mean you end up together.

Sad. But I must continue living and forget about the Tradition. If I will grip, I will still lose my hand in the end for it will stress my arms in it, my heart most especially.

What if it will return? I will face it if and only if it will reveal itself fully and fulfill what it has to do. Then I will reach my arms and embrace it fully. Even if it will mean, pain after a loss in the end. Yet as they say, where there is love there is pain, and where there is pain there is love. Then I must not stop hoping.

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The Other

I stayed on bed for an hour trying to shut my body from that unplanned night. I failed. I stood up and finished reading the book I recently bought. I still can't sleep. What's wrong with me. Oops, I must have overslept that afternoon I remembered. I would love to believe that everything was just fine. It was actually, but my brain oftentimes wanted to speak to me. My heart isn't just ready for the confrontation. So now I know why. My body can't rest because these two are battling over me.

I observed the woman I had been up until then: weak but trying to give the impression of strength. Fearful of everything but telling herself it wasn't fear - it was the wisdom of someone who knew what reality was. Putting up shutters in front of windows to keep the joy of the sun from entering - just so the sun's rays wouldn't fade my old furniture.

The gods throw the dice, and they don't ask whether we want to be in the game or not. They don't care if when you go, you leave behind a lover, a home, a career, or a dream. The gods don't care whether you have it all, whether it seems that your every desire can be met through hard work and persistence. The gods don't want to know about your plans and your hopes. Somewhere they're throwing the dice - and you are chosen. From then on, winning or losing is only a question of luck.

'I am just like everyone else who listens to their heart: a person who is enchanted by the mystery of life. Who is open to miracles, who experiences joy and enthusiasm for what they do. It's just that the Other, afraid of disappointment, kept me from taking action... But there is suffering... And there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggle for your dreams than to be defeated without ever even knowing what you're fighting for.'

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Love is Like a Dam

I do not have a childhood sweetheart unlike Pilar but I do have someone my heart longed like that of hers. I kept wanting him, although and even though there's a wall I built to keep my heart separated. It may stumble anytime depending on how sturdy I was building it, yet afraid that it will in reality. I was Pilar in this case too. 'Love is much like a dam: if you allow a tiny crack to form through which only a trickle of water can pass, that trickle will quickly bring down the whole structure, and soon no one will be able to control the force of the current.' I believe that I know my limits; that I can control myself; that I know how much suffering I could bear. But if that wall stumbles out of unexpected factors, love, so powerful, takes over. 'To love is to lose control'

If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him... Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

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I Must Tell You This

These past few nights, I have not seen the moon. It seemed to be hiding behind those dark clouds. Only the stars are visible at nights, oftentimes, not. Last night, I gazed at the sky and only saw the stars. They are countable unlike the other nights when I was still able to see different forms and figures. After I doze a little, I was awakened by the heavy downpour on the roof. And I knew nothing twinkled and shone anymore that night.

But one thing I forgot to tell you. I saw again the same moon that captured me. I just forgot when that night was specifically. I was surprised the feeling once again took over me. I was glad I was able to see him again full figured covered with light.

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That Word Helped

Rage swallowed me this noon. Thankful I am I was able to control my temper. That was after I uttered the F word surprisingly. It was something that I am not capable of saying especially that I was consciously (well partly) present with all other persons I am dealing with. But hey, it surprisingly worked. I felt a lot better. Sharing with friends helped me subside that rage too.

Idiot people better not speak their nonconstructive minds. Silence is better. Sensibility is a whole lot better.

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Rage Overpowering

I don’t want anger to overpower my being. It is unhealthy. I am trying hard to stay calm despite what you have done to me. Please… I don’t want to leave a stained relationship. I want everything to be in place. But here you are again, trying to dig it all up. I am distressed. It could have been better if you have not talked to me. It was a useless and pointless conversation. I could have healed instantly. I could have forgotten everything. But today, you were such a coward, a toy, an indecisive being! Fool! You should have not ruined this day for nothing!

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I Filed a Divorce

It was a decision difficult to make. Actually, right now I really don't know at all. I was as sturdy as narra but now, a little fear shone on me. (i'll get over it soonest) Leaving a long-time partner is a paralysis somehow. My world revolved around him for so long. It gave me a little of comfort and security. But they were not enough to let me feel loved. Now, only hope I can rely on. Hoping that somewhere, somehow, sometime, a good partner will finally see my worth, take care and love me the way I wanted.

But there is no time to waste for every tick of second's hand is significant as life itself. I must be free from his powers, from his oppression, from his coldness, from his silence. And today is the fulfillment of the partial freedom I was asking. It was a courageous decision over a difficult situation.

Love is something that is shared two-way. It is never one-sided. I am tired. I must remove this chain in my heart. It is not breathing... It is not growing... It is not loving... at all. I hate to leave you, especially the people that I also came to love. Yet I will. I must. I should.


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Like the Throne, Hate the Thorns

For a few days, I was able to breathe a little air and escape the polluting environment I was moving. It was a relief I say. Although I had spent mind exhausting activities those times, I still find it better than moving with the people I mostly had contact with. I was even hoping I could spend the whole month or the next month or the succeeding months free of worries and free from the constant unruly doubts thrown at people. Here I am, sitting again on this throne acting like I like everything. Don't get me wrong, literally I love my throne. It's the thorns that associate with it that I do not like. Whew! Well, all I could do is just wait for that moment when all else will be freed.

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Between Good and Evil

Are humans evil or good by nature? This is the question posed primarily by Paulo Coelho's The Devil and Miss Prym. Being good or evil can be affected by either punishment or reward. The book answered with an implication that greatly depends on the individuality of a person. In the end, what emerged is the choice of a person and how influential the Voice is within.

I never thought I would be battling between good and evil. Not until this morning. The situation is different from the story of Miss Prym for I would not be receiving reward nor punishment. But the decision is too difficult to make. If I make a move to stop one person, I might end up in a conflict. If I make no move, I will be an accessory of destroying the other. I wish I had not been too curious and involved so that I have not heard the whole incident and the plans of the former. Now the situation had affected me because the two people are dear and close to me. I do not dwell much of this because it really stirs me. But I fairly know that whichever I choose to do, there will always be great consequences for everybody.

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Where's the Beauty of the Moon

I was sitting outside at night gazing at the dark sky when I remembered one night when I admired the beauty of the moon. It was the first time I got that intensity of admiration. Tonight, though the stars and moon glittered wondrously, the feeling that I once felt can no longer penetrate me. Could the reason be affected by the exhaustion my body felt tonight? Could it be the piled exhausting emotions that I become numb? Could it be that I can no longer admire the beauty of anything? Or maybe it is just because I am staring at the same moon but of different phase. I wish I could see the moon that once caught me so I can have the old feeling of joy, of brightness, of lightness, of love. I missed that feeling. Yet, as I continue to stare at it I got no feeling except for nothingness.

Here's the UPDATED post

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My First Day

Hmmm... my first day of the year was spent the whole day sleeping. What could this implication be with my whole year, I do not know. I might be hibernating lol. As each day is approaching the next working day, my anxiety grows more and more. I just really hope I can face that day with strong heart and great determination. I'm tired.

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